SATIRE!

Hollywood’s monomania with a continuous shot – as seen in Adolescence, The Studio, Boiling Point, Succession, and The Bear - is bringing new meaning to “Baring it all.”

It is no surprise that, amid flagrant misinformation, deepfakes, and AI technology, audiences are craving more realism. Hollywood, long obsessed with the “Oner,” a single, uninterrupted camera shot (requiring huge budgets and extensive rehearsal periods), capitalizes on our preoccupation with authenticity by delivering emotionally raw, high-stakes, real-life storytelling. But is it real enough?

Director Lloyd Sexton says that filming feature films or episodic television from the first call of “action” to the final “cut” is passé. He wishes to raise the stakes by blending fiction with real life in his project Saturation Temp, documenting the entire audition process, as well as the actors’ personal lives, before, during, and after the series’ completion. Sexton calls this new cinematic approach “raw-dogging reality,” and says the years-long, continuous media experience is an appropriate response to combating Gen Z’s 8-10 second attention spans.

Sexton has been criticized for installing dolly tracks inside the homes of individuals who are not even remotely associated with the film, but asserts that the tracks are necessary “in case we organically end up there.” Sexton also used footage of actors who weren’t hired “bombing” their auditions, some of them crying into their cellphones as they rushed away from the building. According to Sexton, “they all signed NDA’s,” adding that “they should be grateful for the exposure.”

Alice Maclean, a child actor on Saturation Temp, says she doesn’t remember a time before rehearsals. She began memorizing the 982,000-page script right after she said her first words. Maclean also learned American Sign Language to receive direction in complete silence, so as not to disrupt the perfect audio required for the oner.

Margaret Vos plans to take this one step further. She has hired the unborn baby of singer Wiley Myrus as the ingénue in her upcoming film, The Day After Today is Tomorrow. Cameras have been rolling non-stop since Myrus’s sixth week of pregnancy and will continue throughout the child’s birth, following her upbringing, pubescence, rehearsals and finally, the filming of the feature – all uninterrupted. Critics worry about potential human rights violations, but Wiley insists, “the baby won’t mind. She’ll like it.” When asked how she could be so sure, Wiley gave a sly smile and confessed, “My tarot card reader pulled the Ace of Cups.”

This extreme realism isn’t without its challenges. After rehearsing for twelve years and shooting six seasons in one shot for Tim Reese’s Lost in Lethbridge, starring Alex Woodrow, Woodrow died during what would have been the apex of the series. This could have been an appropriate ending for Lost in Lethbridge, had the supporting actors not broken character during Woodrow’s ruptured brain aneurysm on set. Several of the actors shouted at the camera operators to “Stop filming, for Christ’s sake!” And, “Call 911!” When asked to comment on the supporting actor’s emotional reactions to losing their co-star, Reese balked that he had "Never seen such blatant unprofessionalism," calling his cast an "Immature coffle of donkeys."

Lloyd Sexton, a long-time fan of Alex Woodrow, and moved by his untimely passing, plans to dedicate Saturation Temp to the late actor. However, when asked if Tim Reese showed a lack of compassion on set, Sexton scoffed, “Reese’s dedication to the oner is admirable,” adding, “if you want to make a gruyere souffle omelet, the eggs.. they must break.”

Test audiences for Lost in Lethbridge unanimously agreed they didn’t want to watch the actors sleep in real time, expressing particular annoyance at an actor who suffers from sleep apnea. “I dreamt I was giving Darth Vader a back massage, but I couldn't find his skin," one disturbed viewer exclaimed.

Kraft Services now consists of Iced Hibiscus Matcha Lattes, Bang Energy drinks and generous amounts of Cocaine, contributing to the unsustainable costs of these massive productions. Uribaebe Cranberry Pills are also widely available, as they have become necessary to prevent the urinary tract infections rampant on set, due to the actor’s inability to take frequent bathroom breaks. 

Always a trailblazer, Sexton specifically encourages his actors to answer the call of nature on camera. “Audiences are sick of not seeing people urinating on screen,” he says. “It’s time to stop pissing around and give people what they want."

1. Before they do their laundry, sneak used tissues  into the pockets of their dirty sweatpants. This is especially effective  if they are doing a dark load. The results will be truly breathtaking, like an intergalactic used-Kleenex explosion!
2. Eat their expensive organic garlic. Replace it with cheap, non-organic garlic. They seem to really hate this.
3. Borrow their favourite shirt. Wear it without using deodorant. Hang it back in their closet right before a big event.
4. Use their Spotify account and play music that they despise, to mess up their algorithm and ensure their “Made for You” playlist makes them want to gouge their eyes out.
5. Replace their fitted queen-size sheets with identical sheets made for a double bed.
6. Always leave a knife with peanut butter stuck to it in the sink. (Sure, your roommate has anaphylactic allergies, but maybe she should have thought about that before dating your ex.)

Join these loveable characters as they take you an an adventure in activism! A Habitat for the Little Bat addresses the importance of environmental stewardship and demonstrates tangible ways for kids of all ages to take action. Everyone deserves a place to call home!

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